7:24 a.m. - 2005-08-11
Ouch
I do not remember the last time I was this unhappy.
I do not remember the last time I was this unhappy due to my own damn fault.
For weeks now, I have had this time bomb ticking in me. It just kept going around and around in my head. �It�s been a year and half�when will this relationship move forward�? I initially tried talking to him about how I felt. I received conflicting, elusive or evasive answers. I think they were mainly fear based. Who knows?
Because of this, I have now beat the dead horse until it up and walked to morgue by itself.
Each time I promise myself that this will be the last time. Each time it is not the last. And soon, I will end up driving him away.
I am no longer bringing up my issues or fears or wants calmly. By trying to suppress them, I am only letting them out after much anger or fear or worry has built up.
He is paying the price for this and it will end up costing me sooner or later.
I leave on Sunday for four days to San Diego for training for my job. We have never been apart, and I am terrified at how it will be, how he will be, and what will happen.
I just have a horrible dreading sensation that something very life changing will happen.
I expressed this to him and he was sweet and comforting. But I can�t help but think that I have been such an ass lately in my anger and expectations, that while I�m gone, my way of handling things will back fire on me.
Sigh.
Is it Friday yet?
