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1:10 p.m. - 2004-11-08
It's All Relative
I have two hours to kill at work. Then I�m on my way to a job interv- I mean, Doctor�s appointment. What better way to suck time dry than to type some mindless drivel for all of you to read? I know not.

I have a new reader so I want everyone to welcome her with open arms and show her the ropes in the comments page. Everyone�say hi to my mom.

Hi Mom.

To better get to know me, it would be prudent for you to get to know my mom. Plus, I think it�ll help her feel more vulnerable here and that�s what I�m all about. Exploiting other people�s vulnerable sides so that my own will be left in the shadows. Here�s a few fun facts about my mother. I�ve only left the really important ones so you can ask her the rest later�you know, like all that political shit you guys like to talk about�

1. She�s 5�1�, but insists on that extra inch of �I�m 5�2�!!!� I, in no way, look related to her in terms of height.
2. She is an avid hot tub user. I don�t know why this is important, but it is.
3. She snorts when she laughs hard. Like, snort snort.
4. I�m usually the one making her laugh. Usually.
5. I�ve made her laugh so hard that on one occasion, she�s peed her pants. Don�t lie, you know it�s true.
6. She put a cigar in a tampon dispenser this weekend at a fancy restaurant.
7. She has lots of hearts and ribbons and other girly crap in her bathroom.
8. She is the pickiest eater on this side of the Mississippi.
9. Math is not her�forte.
10. She�s the only one other than myself who really knows who my dad is.
11. That sounded like my father is �unknown�. I meant, what type of person he is. Not his identity. He�s the bastard, not me.
12. She�s a PK. Which for anyone who knows what this is, speaks volumes.
13. She doesn�t understand how the term �gay� can be used as a descriptive word for �lame�.
14. She�s gonna be pissed I did this list.
15. She likes my boyfriend.
16. She has her own boyfriend.
17. She�s had two back surgeries.
18. She still picks heavy shit up.
19. She hates her job.
20. She snaps at the customers.

There you go. It�s like we�re the same person!! Only I�d never pee my pants.

Don�t worry dear friends, you can still maintain the foul use of swear words. No need to alter yourselves because my mother is present. Where do you think I got this sailor swearin� anyways?

Besides, she rarely has time for the internet. In fact�shouldn�t you be balancing your books right now?

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