11:25 a.m. - 2004-06-07
Proper Etiquette 101
The other day, I was sitting outside of Border's Bookstore watching the people drag themselves to their cars which at this point had probably reached 145 degrees inside. It's Arizona. It's June. Do the math. Why was I sitting outside? Because I have this horrific habit called smoking which causes you to put yourself through things like spending $250 a month, yellow teeth, poor breathing and sitting in 110 degree weather. As I'm inhaling my life away, I see a soft gentle dove descend from the sky and land in front of me. He cooed and ruffled his feathers sweetly. I was moved by the sheer beauty of him. Then he poo'ed. Right there in front of me. Not 10 inches from me. I was shocked. Mortified. Then he spontaniously combusted from the heat.
My point is this: Proper Bathroom Etiquette. It's what seperates us from the animals my friends. Seeing this immediatly made me think of my experience in the public john a few days ago, which proved that some people did not deserve to evolve. Mind you, I hate public restrooms. I blame this on the Lysol toting grandmother who gave me the choice of either peeing in a paper cup in a parking lot, or driving all the way back home to use the bathroom. Her point being, 'We're at the MALL! God knows who's been in there'. So I am aware that I may be slightly biased in bathroom etiquette. But some things cannot be ignored.
First and foremost when entering a public restroom, I look to see how many of the doors are shut. This gives me an idea of where my own butt should be placed as I want everyone to be in their comfort zone. The only time you go right next to someone is when there is no other option open.
On this particular day, I noticed no one in any of the stalls. Fantastic! Choosing a stall in the middle, for some unknown psychological reason, I even gave a head glace in each direction of feet-view to make sure someone wasn't faking me out. Nothing worse than a bathroom stall fake out. Pleased that I had the place to myself, I thus began. Not two seconds into my peeing, another woman walks in. Now I can't go. I have to wait until the deafening silence is gone so that she can't hear me go. I hate it when people can hear me go. Out of the 50 stalls to choose from, which do you think she chose? Yes. The one right next to me. What is the motivation for this? Does she not notice that she's purposly choosing to sit directly next to me when she could have her own piece of privacy...over there??!!! Does she feel more comfortable sitting next to someone? Does she have some sick enjoyment out of it? All this and more is running through my mind as we enter the next phase of uncomfortableness. She hasn't started to go yet. She's actually waiting for me to start the loud stream. Well I don't think so missy. I can hold it all day. I am not going until I hear you go. Now we are both holding out. After a few minutes, I'm not sure if I can win this battle. I mean, I really have to go. I was here first, and she interrupted me. She should start. Just when I think it can't get any worse...her cell phone rings. And she answers it. She not only gabs away on the phone but then starts peeing! Well now I HAVE to go but some titwit is gonna hear me on the phone! Some unknown stranger is gonna know what I sound like when I pee. Not cool, but no choice at this point.
She finishes first and heads to the sink. As she should. I can see her through the crack in the door and I'm just gonna wait it out now. Don't want to be running into her in the mall. But instead of washing up, she fills her palm with water and then rinses out her mouth. What??!!!! Oh my dear God in Heaven. How is that sanitary?? She heads for the door, opens it and leaves. I am dumbfounded. I eyeball the door handle and can almost see the germs twirling around and reproducing as I stand there. Consequently, I spend 2 hours trapped in there trying to overcome the doorhandle.
Actually, all of this just made me look like a nut. So nevermind. I guess as long as you don't shit in front of someone like a Dove, then you've obtained proper bathroom etiquette.
