9:10 a.m. - 2004-10-27
Good Old Fashioned Letter Writing
Another crappy day filled with evil office machinery that was put on this planet for the sole purpose of making my life one long miserable experience. In 8 hour increments.
I’ve composed a few letters that I am sending out to the complaint departments of said machines.
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Dear Hewlett Packard-
Our office spent $1000 on your printer/copier. It does not print. It does not copy. I thought you should know. It does, however, eat a multitude of paper every day. Everyone is frightened of it now because if it doesn’t get it’s daily fix of paper, it takes on a menacing look.
Also, I can’t believe you guys charge a grand for this piece of shit. If I were trapped on a island with the choice between eating my own foot and using this printer, I’d ask for some salt.
Sincerely,
Pissed Office Manager
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Dear Xerox-
I can’t stand you fuckers. I’ve had a broken copier for over two months. Your maintenance guy has never showed up, despite the 25 phones calls I’ve made. Hopefully, he has a good excuse, like he’s dead or something.
In the meantime, I’ve had to drive to fucking Kinkos every day to make copies. I can’t tell you how angry this makes me, but I can tell you that in the next life I hope everyone who works for Xerox is forced to spend eternity standing in line at Kinkos.
Fuck off,
Pissed Office Manager
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Dear Swingline, Makers of the Oldest Stapler Ever-
Pack it up. You guys threw quality out the door a long fucking time ago. Every fucking time I use your piece of shit stapler, it jams. Every. God. Damn. Time.
I hope your entire design department gets premature impotence.
Pissed Office Manager.
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Dear Asinine Employer-
Quit clearing your fucking throat every 7.2 seconds. It’s driving me fucking crazy and if I had a cough drop, I’d shove it down your throat. You flip flop wearing idiot.
Employee
This last one was just for me.
Other than that, I feel really positive today.
